Wednesday, April 23, 2014


Of which I talk about longing, idolizing, and self-hating. 

I'm no stranger to any of those three things. 
Today I discovered that about a month, 3 YouTubers who I looked up to (and understatement) my freshman year of high school were just under accusation and accusal of mental and sexual abuse of fans. My whole understanding of the world changed (also an understatement). 

It's not secret that I put all of my hope and desire into the littlest of things, and hope for the best without fail. During this time of my life--three and a half years ago--I was clinically depressed and vulnerable. As impressionable as I was, I latched onto this idea of strangeness and non-conformity. These 3 males were incredibly popular and well-liked, even though they were all incredibly different and strange than most people. I idolized that idea of uniqueness and tried to emulate it in my own life. Three and a half years later, with this coming to the forefront, I almost feel guilty for idolizing such people. 

Suddenly I understood the shallowness of the surface we see of people.

This is why I wanted to talk about longing. I have such a terrible habit of idolizing people, even some I know personally. I create this image of a person and latch onto it, wishing I would be more like them, longing to be anyone but myself... to be in a different situation than my own. But yet, this image is so falsified and blown out of proportion that I lose the humanity in it. I have a feeling this is true for most of us. The issue is that it is such a dangerous thing to do; by putting so much effort into an idea of a person it's all the more reason to have your hopes pretty much shattered by the truth.

I feel like this is a topic that, most times, is skated over. The media thrives on this idolization and "image" of celebrities. Each person has his or her own brand, and we are bred to obsess over it and deny ourselves in hopes to one day be like the people on TV.

It kinda sucks. Self-hate is pushed and pushed, no matter what front the media will put on. I guess my point is that while having idols and people to look up to is fun and you should definitely have goals and hopes and dreams, be careful. I say this because sometimes we wear our hearts on our sleeves and we put ourselves down in the process.

Sorry for two "omg look how deep I am" posts in a row, just thoughts and stuff.


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